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Nineteen

I counted the solitude within me
that renewed to a blissful glee.
I had like thousands of expressions to be written.
Both those i portray and the hidden.
I found it even prescriptive penning it down.
As untangling all knots put round.
I juggled it the way possible.
Twisting it often,turning it horrible.
It wasn’t a subtraction I adored;
But the envious that aided me to roar.
Roar the chaos that I see,
which in crowd, makes me flee.
I turn young to resolve the stories,
clouded as hell, untangled in ease.
And I turn nineteen writing on walls.
which cherishably made me recall
the passion that I held,
And still hold to spendidly dwell.

Quit

 

Is it all over?,I ask.

Never to know

what’s in the friendship going on..

I just want to quit..

Quit this relationship.

Quit the moments I share with.

Quit the satisfaction I get ,I give.

Quit the freedom I admire with you.

Quit the ‘Me’ I find in you.

Quit myself feeling so good with you.

Maybe it was just for till now.

But the pricking part;

No reason I actually found.

No cause else than just to leave you.

I ask you for the same.

How easy is it for you

to get liberated?

Was it just for getting the body,

I wonder.

The soul;didn’t that ever soothed

You for your sake?

Was I selfish or you?

Was it just for moments to be made?

Table tickles ain’t anything to remember.

I forget the cold hands I held for long,

Lips on the other’s skin.

I wonder if it was easier.

To just forget, just quit.

Cause nothing left in this friendship,

You know. And things getting

Blur and hazy.

I ought not to drag it anymore.

I am saturated for being good,

Being honest and loyal with you.

I doubt the attention given.

But I crave for the love

You gave.

Wasn’t it my childhood stories

you heard all night?

Wasn’t it the devastating aggression

Of mine that made me

Understood you while?

The way you calmed me on calls,

The meets were the most

Different of all’s?

How are we supposed

To just end it fisting?

How you expect me

to be there for you,

and also to get apart when

you don’t need me?

Am I being objectified?

Am I being fooled?

No more I can bear.

No more you can bear.

We tend to quit

without uttering a word.

Coz eventually, when we do,

It turns it worst.

Heart is this time to be betrayed.

I want you to quit the game,

I am sorry for the word.

I want you to

Care for me no more.

I am sorry I never

restricted you earlier.

I want the conversation,

Chats and talks

to come to an end.

I am sorry

I didn’t discarded it then.

You ‘need’ to quit this time

Coz I do.

It’s the instinct that hit,

Allowing me to just quit.

Oh yes, I quit.

 

 

Your worst.

You sat on the elevation aside the staircase near the canteen section checking for something on our phone. I could see you through my hostel room window; you sitting behind the bushes that lie before the staircase starting from the academic building till there. I couldn’t hardly spot anyone there else you as you were the only person then visible to me after the bushes.

Your white tee that had some ‘F’ print on it, was still visible to me though. Your jeans that sat on the floor of the elevation boundary fence ripped, was my favourite again.

I couldn’t distract myself, to be honest, not to watch you; or apparently stare you. I still can never figure out for the reason I used to see you that way through my window, on the second floor of the building.

Thought ran on my mind vigorously on all bad I have seen in you and even for good that I observe in you, everything in turbidity prevailed round me in my room watching you through the pane not just once but before too many a times.

I am bound to recall things when no one with-stayed with you having the reasonable excuse of your violence of both mind and the respective chaos you held with everything and everyone around you which made everyone uncomfortable to the hell extent is sharply something that couldn’t be told.

The philanthropic mood of yours which always eliminated you from all the crowd you tried going into, was one of the reason I was pulled to draw my attention towards you. Your badass behaviour that barred you from every event happening around attracted me towards you. That was awfully true to be accepted.

That insolent part of yours, to everyone you spoke to, definitely threatens me and makes me to back off from all my rising feelings and emotions. But if I have no freaking guts to abode for your dilapidation you make every single second in your grunting experiences, I would never deserve my will power to closely admit it.

The one day which was so very expected from you to cooperate with the group allotted then in the science lecture we had was so freshening in my mind. All went straight until you created the chaos regarding what you wanted which was maybe not counted by the co-members. I am sorry for the reason I didn’t notice it too. It still forces us all to rethink the reason why you did it. “Why does he just prefer ruining things?”, “Why does he aggressively shout when things can be sorted all peacefully?”- The only questions that triggered all minds there; out of all I remember lest I recollect interestingly, I would love to reveal, I thought more than it. “Why were you like that?” “What makes you so impulsive to react like that?” It provoked in me a hell lot so clouded doubted questions. It made me build a will in challenge to face your violent pique as to make it more than a kinderness to just observe you being far!.

This time I won’t just look at you with flowing thoughts tangling in me. I am to let it out. Let out you the admiration that I have for you, to understand you. I am to take the encounter and suppress all my mean thoughts and ideas that are built by people on you. I want to take the stand. Stand for maybe the right. Stand for maybe the deserving. Stand for maybe to rectify the distorted things. Stand for the so unconditional one sided affection. Stand in with your worst and apparently to stand for you.

-Shreya Nigam

This was meant!

(Part 1)

I got this instinct to get at 2 AM  off my bed..and write this.! So here it is..

She waited for the front person,eventually a girl, to eat in haste and leave. It was hard to bear! She could barely focus on her owned plate full of rice and whatever shit the mess provided. It was some capsicum in kinda gravy..Alike her, no one was so curious to have it swallowed..Radhika still waited for her to leave from there..Radhika was abrupt enough to watch frequently towards her friend sitting  just beside..She wanted to speak to her, tell her something, talk to her. No one knew her instincts of trying to speak to her friend  in alone sitting near,Ashley . A person who is so damn charming lively in nature cold be so quiet too,thought Ashley when she saw Radhika on such a mute mode.She was panicking inside but couldn’t just spit anything before a person who did not have any business with their conversation. Perhaps she also decided not to speak to Radhika till the front girl went.There were indispensable still vibes even with three people sitting on the dine of the mess. It was after around fifteen minutes to let the girl not in her friend circle go. She got up, lifted her plate, bid a “Bye” to Radhika and Ashley. Both of them replied back. Radhika, seeming little disturbed regarding some other issue didn’t bother to chin up but still had the curtsey to speak the word “BBye”.! Ashley turned later towards Radhika..,asked her what had happened. Radhika suddenly hugged Ashley without even saying a word. She started crying and kept hug Ashley for  six seconds and tried not to attract attention from the crowd on the other table. As when she confirmed her tears stop flowing,she got her head up wiping her tears off her cheeks.

….( Part 2..to be continued)

That view.

And I finally agreed that I couldn’t face it.. I couldn’t face that down fall when it comes to relationships..by “relationship” i,here, mean all kind of kindreds and friends. Yes I couldn’t accept the calming ocean and just intentionally holding on to the storming breeze. I am a writer. I have billions and trillions of thoughts tangling in the inner nerve of my head which often find their way to be penned down when got the opportunity. I turn things complicated, i admit; I wish to mold it in the best possible way i prefer..I cant change myself, dude!It’s this to be tolerated.

It’s been a long long way I started to know me..and what I admire is I am content to what I have..Maybe i wish for more..and it’s coz I know i deserve better..How can I sit satisfied on less than what I wanted? That’s, for me, a big NO!

While this so called know-ure of mine, in these around seven months, I really changed a lot..I found what  actually am..I have no idea why do i feel overwhelmed typing it, but it’s soothing to know the actual fact on the part you are writing and keep the originality of it as to be understood… To express it in simple,u need to complicate it in your inner zest.! You would understand it if u write any sort of stuff to be read.

A bold and grith confess- “I am no more scared of losing people in my life!” Well, that’s entirely new when it comes to persuade yourself to be completely aware of yourself. .A sort of shit, sarcastic, at this ‘not too much age’, hit me in such a lofty influencing shape that it brought me the hardness in me so unknowingly..I get detached in ease just as the way i get attached..but there’s a vast difference between attraction and infatuation too. The sort of attachment i have with my best friends is just inevitable..You can never stop the growing trust on  a person you stay with.you share things with,you wander with..Ohh come on! that’s human nature,man!! We expect from whom we love or get close to. That’s in no one’s hand!Sad!

Down, I couldn’t face. I am short in words when it comes to my classroom for literature where we read about ‘life’. Mmm…there are like hundreds of things I dont agree to. i have different perceptions..but to speak it their to raise question is not validly relevant coz what now i feel or have cravings for, is a consequence on the deals i have made so far in my cherishing life..Hah! How to deal with this now???

No one actually gives a shit on what you feel unless they want your company, have their upcoming favor from you or whatever!. Quality matters, not the quantity..I have always stuck that in my mind as far as my small little friend circle is concerned.. but sarcastically..i found no “quality” people here..Or maybe there are but then I am too an introvert,”happy in me”.!!

How I conquered her explanation in the class regarding “Of revenge” and “If” by Rudyard Kipling with the debating thoughts I always follow in reality, in my mind. Do I really look like, being calm and quiet when one does wrong to me..? Hahah! ..I turn devil! I do something worse than faced by me. I tried to think the mythic way of being understanding and not to imitate anyone or turn like someone bad…Hell that philosophy! ..I dont want to be an innocent lady in saree who tolerates every bad or worst thing happening to her..still loving the same way she would do when  not harmed!..God!!..I am not that patient! Ohhh..sorry for that!..hah! Does it make any difference? yes!! It SATISFIES  me!

Hey!.It’s been a long time i have not written something..Lets just do it..I just cant stay all away from it..It soothes me in a way nothing in this world ever can..But this time, lets write it  all openly..informally..Let it be my diary!..Where I write the shittiest thing and also the splendid stuff happening.

Let me clear it first..I just don’t want  to keep writing sad stories.Just not…I don’t know how many are reading this but I just don’t write this, for your knowledge..I write to lower my burden from head which gets monogrammed with thoughts i could never bear!To be honest here.

It’s an informal write-up right?…So I can’t hesitantly mention my  day blasts today. Well, Classes as usual! I missed the engineering graphics lab. I am not pretty much interested in that stuff.. I don’t find any logic in that freaking topic. I may seem quite agitated for now.But yes, I am frustrated. Perhaps, Rome was not built in a day.

Being an introvert is not easy..These simple words of mine today will be all correctly understood by you but then there  are flaws too.But thankful me..I got friends to count on. I love Bebe Rexha too…Hahahah..

(to be continued to be written)

Resonance!

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How it exploded when I  was heard of the live and loud shout for millions of shattered thoughts in the chaos of love and hatred towards stuff I  just couldn’t recognize.I love the motive of finally coming to an elusive conclusion of chanting runaway of the heart.When it has to be dealt with the shallow time of days of my arrival in the college,I could just not throw wave the indispensable gestures of my co-members of the cluster I was put in.It brought me a load of dismay and disappointment when I was given actually no reasonable reason to clarify myself of their unjust behaviour. I had ocean of questions, doubts, confusions  and what not around my head prevailing.

I was too much not me to signify my level of interests in stuff I could pay to rather than just a rejection from all sides I went. Believe it or not, it made me literally lament on the time i was going through,maybe it meant hardly, but yes, it was something really hard for me to ignore,i must just add!

My Thing!!

 

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I could do it too. And then I thought better to grab my full potential to the fullest of what i was good at. I planned to have my skills enhanced on writing and I did it to my best. I am to write all about it and here I am writing it too!

I was made to fall into this too when said..it might waste my time to a great extent and would not let me deal with my studies properly.. It was clarifying! How?..It made me decide what to take as the prior and what as the option or side hand. I was luckily forced to draw my whole lot attention to my interest that I had regarding literature. I couldn’t do Literature in my studies..Numerous excuses to explain it.Let’s not draw my wonderful attention to it and focus on what I was to. I started it all very casual when I was in 7th standard. I admire my English teacher then who made me realize my capability of writing. She had no idea what was I up to do for all my that new hobby, which later became my passion to become a really very inspiring writer and I have full faith in myself for doing it some day in future. When one actually wishes me a “Good and a prosperous future”, the only thing that strikes in my mind is all about my book to be published and inspire like thousands for then my success to be confirmed!. I just don’t prefer to be mediocre. That’s just not me yah!!.

I want to feel special but through all my write-ups. I know it would take all star counts to work on it but it’s not at all impossible I know.I just don’t have to distract myself from whatever I want and keep on increasing all my skills that I require for it to happen.I want your attention in all those positive manner which will no less than motivate me to write and expand more.

I sat on my verandah trying to think for a topic I could write on then having some coffee aside.I see people down my verandah,I get the topic.I help someone, it strikes me a topic. I am rude to someone for any reason, i can still write on the feelings I am going through. It is just so simple for me.I love to express myself. And I feel writing has become a prescriptive way for me to do it. Maybe I don’t have any issue on writing it either simple or far not my level to be understood by anyone. But it’s easy as long as I am writing!